There is a part of me that so badly wants to say: Fuck 2015! Good riddance! 2015 was a no good, rotten, ugly year that I never want to think about again. But the reality is that although it was by far the most challenging of my short 34 years, it was also very much needed. And I think I can boil it down to these three reasons…
- I learned more about who I am and I am stronger because of it. At some point when multiple things start going wrong in your life you have to look inside. Self reflect. While the universe has a strange way of dumping a lot on you at once, typically if things keep going awry, external factors are not only to blame, there is probably something broken on the inside. I was at a point where I had no other option, but to take a deep, hard look inside. The universe had to stop being so subtle with me. I needed the universe to take me by the shoulders and shake me. Hard. But it worked. And I am grateful. And I hope the universe continues to shake me every once in a while so that I don’t lose sight of what I have learned.
- I am constantly reminded of my amazing my family and friends. And even though you are all amazing, I didn’t buy you anything for Christmas. Seriously. If you’re reading this it means you are over the age of six and I didn’t get you anything. None of you. I’m sorry. I am a jerk and I’ve had a rough year (see above), so cut me some slack. So in lieu of a gift, here is my humble attempt to thank you. There is absolutely no way I would have made it through this year without the support of my friends and family. I’ve found that emotional pain takes form as a deep black hole inside of you. A hole that you’re sure no one can fix and that no else has, so your instinct is to hide it and cover it up and carry it around on your own. And while you may find ways to numb it on your own, I have found that there is no way to fill it on your own. In order to fill it you have to show people that ugly, deep black hole. You have let their love in. Let them help you. And you will find that for the most part people are eager to fill that hole. And most of the time people are like: “Hey, you have a hole? I have a hole too! And mine is even bigger than yours!” And then you find that we are all carrying around these holes and knowing that makes you even more eager to help others fill their holes. There were very few times this year when I felt alone. My support system has grown deeper, wider and stronger. From those who have been constantly by my side to those who have sent me a simple but thoughtful Facebook message, thank you. It seems like there should be a better way to express the weight of my gratitude, but it falls on the shoulders of these two small words: thank you.
- I received a chance to start over. If there is one good thing about hitting rock bottom, it is that it often that the only place to go is up. 2015 has provided me with a chance to reconstruct my life. Almost every aspect of my life is new right now, my home, my car, my job and my marital status, but it is all very much me. Everything fits together. The pieces fell back into place. And I have found that contrary to what I thought, beauty often isn’t found in perfection. Beauty is found in strange places. Beauty is found in things that are broken and pieced back together.
Of course I see this now because hindsight is 20/20, but while I was going through it my vision was blurred by tears as I screamed why is this happening to me, when am I going to catch a break?! I point this out because I know some of the people reading this might have blurry vision right now and I want them to know that someday soon they will be grateful for those tears.
So cheers to the end of my best worst year. Eager to see what the universe will divvy out in 2016.