FEAR, perfection, anger, resentment, control, playing the victim, depression, suicidal thoughts, and anxiety…those words are what filled my life up until recently. I best describe it as mental slavery as I could not get out of my own head.
I grew up in a great family, always had lots friends and was very social. But ever since I was a young child, I obsessively worried about all the “what if’s” to an extreme. Because of this constant worrying at such a young age, I put it into my head that I was crazy and not deserving of happiness or anything of that matter. Fear became my new best friend and it paralyzed me for years to come.
I never truly enjoyed life. I never liked myself and it was as if my soul was deeply sick. There were times I did experience the taste of happiness and it was incredible! But it would go away too quickly. I started to become good at playing the actress and keeping a smile on my face, making it seem like everything was “okay”. It’s like my life was a lie and it was getting harder to keep up with the lie. Few knew how deeply I was hurting on the inside and the dark places I went. For those who did though, they had the burden of me unleashing my built up emotions on them and I refused to seek help.
Life continued on and throughout the years I had my ups and downs but for the most part, I kept getting more and more lost inside my head and with life. I grew more selfish, everything was someone else’s fault, I became self destructive and I was so angry on the inside. From all of this developed a behavioral addiction. All addiction is the same no matter what kind it is! Unfortunately, there is a big stigma that comes with it which I am trying to break as addiction does not discriminate.
My addiction was the #1 focus in my life. I needed something I could have complete control over, when in reality it had control over me. My thought process was that if I could get skinny enough, everything would fall into place. My career, my relationships, my finances, my confidence, my life and I would finally be happy and perfect. Being skinny was my God and I idolized it. It was my everything yet it would always backfire. My weight would fluctuate due to the binging/restricting/over exercising and repeat. It turned into an obsession to where it felt like my brain would become hijacked. I knew I was damaging not only my body, but my mind and spirit as well yet I kept going back to it. I was practicing INSANITY and I could not stop.
I have learned that I was notorious for seeking things out that gave me temporary happiness or numbed my feelings. From binge drinking until I would black out, to all night benders, to always having a guy in my life to give me a sense of self worth, to wanting to look perfect on the outside. Like anything temporary, it goes away. Then I would be left feeling empty again and back to square one. Once again, I would repeat and the downward spiral began to get worse.
August 4, 2014 is a morning I will never forget. I woke up after a night of hard partying and I remember thinking “again, you are really pulling this again?” It was then something happened in me and I said I was done feeling this way! I wasn’t living life and I was fed up with the path I had chosen! I knew deep down inside that there was a happy woman buried in there who got lost in life and I was determined to find her and bring her back out. It was time to look my demons in their eyes and fight them with all the strength I had.
I knew I couldn’t do this on my own as there was an enormous amount of emotions awaiting me so I reached out for help. This was KEY to my healing and recovery! For over a year now I have been in recovery and it has not come easy but it is well worth it. I had to be broken down to nothing in order to rebuild myself back up. I had to face my past and myself on the inside along with surrendering my will. Of course there were times I wanted to give up but I had to keep pushing as I wanted to change. Fortunately, I have been very BLESSED to have a huge support system ranging from my family, friends (old and new), a support group, the 12 steps, meditation/prayer and therapy that has helped me get to where I am at today.
I now do things that soothe my soul instead of deplete it. Things that make me feel the most alive. I feel I have been released from my bondage and reborn again. I try not to control everything as I have learned that one has to have faith. I try not to live in fear anymore and I am passionate about living life to the fullest! Is everything rainbows and butterflies everyday…not at all! I am a work in progress. There are days that I am down or get thrown curve balls but that is a part of life. It’s how YOU CHOSE to handle those days and curve balls which takes practice and patience as you don’t want to be a prisoner of the past.
The human spirit is powerful and life is a full blown miracle. Have the courage to change as it’s time to start living!
-Fearless
Fearless is 34 years old, originally from Ohio and has resided in Scottsdale, AZ for the past 8 years. She has a passion for the outdoors, health/fitness and inspiring other to lead a balanced lifestyle physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
If you would like to contact any of this week’s guest bloggers, please leave a comment and I will put you in touch.
My Shiny Happy Life 