FEAR, perfection, anger, resentment, control, playing the victim, depression, suicidal thoughts, and anxiety…those words are what filled my life up until recently. I best describe it as mental slavery as I could not get out of my own head.
I grew up in a great family, always had lots friends and was very social. But ever since I was a young child, I obsessively worried about all the “what if’s” to an extreme. Because of this constant worrying at such a young age, I put it into my head that I was crazy and not deserving of happiness or anything of that matter. Fear became my new best friend and it paralyzed me for years to come.
I never truly enjoyed life. I never liked myself and it was as if my soul was deeply sick. There were times I did experience the taste of happiness and it was incredible! But it would go away too quickly. I started to become good at playing the actress and keeping a smile on my face, making it seem like everything was “okay”. It’s like my life was a lie and it was getting harder to keep up with the lie. Few knew how deeply I was hurting on the inside and the dark places I went. For those who did though, they had the burden of me unleashing my built up emotions on them and I refused to seek help.
Life continued on and throughout the years I had my ups and downs but for the most part, I kept getting more and more lost inside my head and with life. I grew more selfish, everything was someone else’s fault, I became self destructive and I was so angry on the inside. From all of this developed a behavioral addiction. All addiction is the same no matter what kind it is! Unfortunately, there is a big stigma that comes with it which I am trying to break as addiction does not discriminate.
My addiction was the #1 focus in my life. I needed something I could have complete control over, when in reality it had control over me. My thought process was that if I could get skinny enough, everything would fall into place. My career, my relationships, my finances, my confidence, my life and I would finally be happy and perfect. Being skinny was my God and I idolized it. It was my everything yet it would always backfire. My weight would fluctuate due to the binging/restricting/over exercising and repeat. It turned into an obsession to where it felt like my brain would become hijacked. I knew I was damaging not only my body, but my mind and spirit as well yet I kept going back to it. I was practicing INSANITY and I could not stop.
I have learned that I was notorious for seeking things out that gave me temporary happiness or numbed my feelings. From binge drinking until I would black out, to all night benders, to always having a guy in my life to give me a sense of self worth, to wanting to look perfect on the outside. Like anything temporary, it goes away. Then I would be left feeling empty again and back to square one. Once again, I would repeat and the downward spiral began to get worse.
August 4, 2014 is a morning I will never forget. I woke up after a night of hard partying and I remember thinking “again, you are really pulling this again?” It was then something happened in me and I said I was done feeling this way! I wasn’t living life and I was fed up with the path I had chosen! I knew deep down inside that there was a happy woman buried in there who got lost in life and I was determined to find her and bring her back out. It was time to look my demons in their eyes and fight them with all the strength I had.
I knew I couldn’t do this on my own as there was an enormous amount of emotions awaiting me so I reached out for help. This was KEY to my healing and recovery! For over a year now I have been in recovery and it has not come easy but it is well worth it. I had to be broken down to nothing in order to rebuild myself back up. I had to face my past and myself on the inside along with surrendering my will. Of course there were times I wanted to give up but I had to keep pushing as I wanted to change. Fortunately, I have been very BLESSED to have a huge support system ranging from my family, friends (old and new), a support group, the 12 steps, meditation/prayer and therapy that has helped me get to where I am at today.
I now do things that soothe my soul instead of deplete it. Things that make me feel the most alive. I feel I have been released from my bondage and reborn again. I try not to control everything as I have learned that one has to have faith. I try not to live in fear anymore and I am passionate about living life to the fullest! Is everything rainbows and butterflies everyday…not at all! I am a work in progress. There are days that I am down or get thrown curve balls but that is a part of life. It’s how YOU CHOSE to handle those days and curve balls which takes practice and patience as you don’t want to be a prisoner of the past.
The human spirit is powerful and life is a full blown miracle. Have the courage to change as it’s time to start living!
Fearless is 34 years old, originally from Ohio and has resided in Scottsdale, AZ for the past 8 years. She has a passion for the outdoors, health/fitness and inspiring other to lead a balanced lifestyle physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
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